


If you were mine

by interruptedPharos



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Drabbles, M/M, Microbits, Stuff from Tumblr, and cutesy stuff, just a bunch of fluff, keeping the ship sailing haha
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-10
Packaged: 2018-11-08 18:47:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,478
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11087730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/interruptedPharos/pseuds/interruptedPharos
Summary: If Tsukiyama and Kaneki were together...(Tumblr musings, drabbles, and stuff)





	1. 1-10

**Author's Note:**

> A bunch of tidbits I've been writing on Tumblr. They don't follow much of a chronological order or anything. These are the TsukiKane exclusive ones.

#1

 

Tsukiyama holds Kaneki’s hands every time they are next to each other. Intertwining fingers, holding, clamping, touching, sometimes just connecting the backs of their hands. Kaneki will be talking to Miza or Ayato, Tsukiyama will come up to join in, and will naturally, gently, link their pinkies together. Kaneki never looks down to see and Tsukiyama never holds on too long. Just a few seconds, sometimes a single breath, just enough to remind him that he’s here.

 

 

 

#3

 

Can anything be really be forgiven and forgot? Kaneki looks at Touka, calm and smiling, and can’t help but remember when she told him to never come back. Every time he crosses a dark alley he sees Hide’s smile as he confesses to knowing his most darkest secret and then, suddenly, disappear. When he sees Ayato orbiting Hinami he thinks about breaking half his bones, thinks about never going to visit Hinami in Cochlea, then walks away. **  
**

The first time he sees Tsukiyama /blade to his throat/ he doesn’t know /if he made it, did he survive the fall/ what to say /why are you here?/.

Tsukiyama speaks /”There’s now way I can do that”/ first and tells him /eyes full of recognition, anagnorisis/ to forget it /stabbing him, throwing him off a building, sacrificing his own/.

Kaneki tells himself he’s been forgiven, but he just can’t let it go.

 

 

 

#4

 

Tsukiyama and Kaneki kiss like they say goodbye, often and quickly. There’s never enough time, they’re always tired, and they never know how long they’ll be apart. While one is organizing data and researching, another is talking to groups, to their army, and it takes them all day. Either one is in early or the other is out late, they barely see eachother, but when they do.. The first time after a few minutes, they lock gazes, ask silent questions. Everything alright? Anything unusual? The first time after a few hours, they look at each other they look for wounds, they look for blood, they skip their eyes and mouths and go straight to their chests, their arms, their shoulders, and backs. The first time after a day, or days, Tsukiyama’s hands talk for him, communicate his anxiety, and Kaneki let’s him; his dark red hands, clench and unclench as his nose makes sure there is no blood on his partner.   **  
**

When they get home, their personal room in general headquarters, they eat and take showers; one prepares for bed, the other prepares for insomnia, but both get into the same bed and share their only unhurried kiss of the day.

Hoping, carefully and quietly, for more.

 

 

 

#8

 

Kaneki whispers Tennyson to Tsukiyama when he’s feeling nervous, even when the purple haired ghoul has told him countless of times he would prefer Shakespeare’s dramatic romances compared to Tennyson’s prayers for resignation before death. They lay in bed together while one of them is hurt and Kaneki will whisper bits and pieces..

“That loss is common would not make my own less bitter, rather more…*

One day, Tsukiyama comes back injured, “Victory, my king,” he says, strained, and promptly disappears behind the blue rag that divides their provisional HQ from the infirmary. Around Kaneki, Tsukiyama’s squad looks roughed up, but unhurt; they all wait for Tsukiyama to come out before debriefing. No one says anything when the white haired man rushes in behind him.

Tsukiyama is getting stitches, of all things, and the ghoul patching him up, looks at Kaneki sternly, “He needs to eat and sleep. This wound isn’t healing because you boys don’t get enough of either.”

Tsukiyama blushes slightly and looks away but Kaneki is right there beside him, nodding away, left hand slipping into Tsukiyama’s right. The young ghoul, the only certified nurse amongst them, sighs knowingly as he finishes the stitches. He looks at Kaneki with an exasperated expression, “I don’t even know why I try; you’re probably coming in next, aren’t’cha?”

Kaneki shrugs as he says, “I dare do all that may become a man; Who dares do more is none.”**

Tsukiyama shakes his head but a small smile graces his lips as he squeezes Kaneki’s hand. The nurse buries his face in his hands and groans, frazzled.

*In Memoriam, VI, Tennyson  
**Macbeth, Shakespeare

 


	2. 11-20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More drabbles and things. It should be noted that these will be updated as they are updated on tumblr. So there are no secret ones hiding here or anything, lol.

#15

 

The day Tsukiyama is called into :re for a meeting with Kaneki and the rest, is the day Kaneki names him his second-in-command. Amongst the people in the meeting there was no apparent disapproval, and even though Tsukiyama was grateful, it wouldn’t really mean anything to him if there was; Kaneki had chosen him, and that was that.

 

 

 

 

#16

 

“I hadn’t known then that she was your cousin.”

 

Tsukiyama’s eyesight blurs so quickly he needs a moment to steady himself. Kaneki’s hand is on his forearm, firm and strong, but he can’t really hear him say his name. How could be happening? They had met in a hallway, they had been laughing; now they were tense, one was anxious, the other overwhelmed. Two strong emotions well lightning quick and thunderous within him: run away, hate him, he killed Kanae.. But this is Kaneki, Kaneki Ken, my precious, my one and only... 

 

This isn’t Sasaki Haise.

 

It takes him a few more seconds to compose himself, Kaneki’s worried calls uncharacteristic to his ears. Tsukiyama shakes his head trying to dispel the weight on his senses, but he only manages to feel nauseous. He doesn’t hear it, doesn’t feel it either, when Kaneki holds both his forearms, brings him close, and steadies him. Tsukiyama feels like he’s drowning; he doesn’t need an anchor, he needs the storm to pass so the skies can clear. Tsukiyama knows that Kaneki is the storm, he is the embodiment of a hurricane, destroying everything in it’s path, and he’s merely a man. A man who has lost almost everything, holding on to the dregs of the past he glorified. 

 

Losing Kanae, the way he had, had been enough heartbreak for a lifetime. Being told about his servant’s deaths, about Matsumae’s death… Tsukiyama didn’t know he could feel so much pain after having lost Kaneki, so many years ago. Once again, he had nothing bury, had nothing to remember them by. Only their history: his memories, forever tarnished with melancholy after that day. He also had his life, so lovingly protected by them, his family; a life that was not his own anymore. He was more than just a name, a family line, he was a will. A will to live, passed on through generations of Tsukiyamas.  

 

But he is also a man. The worst kind of man, by any standards, for an amorous afectation makes one but a target for the vicissitudes of fate. A fool. He knows his faults; they have been made very clear in the last few weeks, and yet he can’t let go. Why can’t he hate him?  

 

He hides his face in Kaneki’s shoulder and clearly repeats, “It’s water under the bridge...”

 

Kaneki shakes his head and whispers, “It’s not.”

 

Tsukiyama remembers the sweet tune of Kanae’s violin and parrots back, “It’s not.”

 

Kaneki holds his breath.

 

Tsukiyama sees Kanae jumping after him, “You killed her.. to save me.” 

 

Kaneki inhales sharply. .

 

“She was my most beloved assistant, my most loyal friend, my cousin.”

 

Kaneki’s hands tremble as they leave Tsukiyama’s forearms. 

 

“I… do not deserve your loyalty.”

 

Tsukiyama had seen Kaneki kill hundreds of ghouls. He had seen him torturing them, eating them, leaving their carcasses to the rats. He looked into his eyes when he stabbed him while reassuring him on top of the Luna building; he hadn’t believed him. And yet… Tsukiyama huffs a bitter laugh but keeps talking to Kaneki’s neck, unmoving. Here he is; here he forever will want to be.

 

“It has never been about that, though; surely you know that... Right?”

 

Kaneki doesn’t move an inch; Tsukiyama has the sudden thought that he might be confessing his most inner feelings to his leader in the least appropriate situation. He lifts his head, the knight preparing to accept his fate, and is met with the sight of his King crying. 

 

“Kaneki..?” he whispers, hesitantly. The white haired ghoul blinks, unaware of his state or anything else, and raises both gloved hands to his face. Now Tsukiyama is the one worrying, hands hovering at Kaneki’s shoulders, not knowing exactly what to do. He decides to hold him, arms around his shoulders, ushering Kaneki close. He rests his forehead to Tsukiyama’s chest, arms loose at his sides.. 

 

“You can’t, Tsukiyama.”  

 

The purple haired ghoul needs only a second to understand.  _ You can’t love me _ . Tsukiyama had thought that for a long time too. He had to lose him to understand; had to lose almost all of his family to understand, to earn perspective. Kanae would never know, but Tsukiyama understood him more than he knew. Tsukiyama kisses the top of his head and whispers,

 

“These feelings have bloomed in adversity.. You can’t tear them down so easily, I’m afraid..”

 

Kaneki hugs him tightly while he cries. Tsukiyama holds him, letting the storm run its course. Maybe, tomorrow, the sun will rise, the rain will dry up, and the flowers in their hearts will remain.

 

 

 

#18

 

“I thought Kaneki gave you an out,” Hori says as she follows Tsukiyama around his hotel room. He’s packing his meager belongings into a small leather suitcase. The purple haired ghoul turns around to face his closet, slides open the door, and empties his few dress shirts, pants and coat onto his bed.

“Why aren’t you taking the out?” she asks again, Tsukiyama ignores her in lieu of folding his shirts and pants into his small suitcase. Hori stands beside him, camera out, and snaps a picture of his folded clothing. Tsukiyama goes into the restroom to get his toiletries and picks up his only other pair of shoes. Hori is lying on the bed, on her back as Tsukiyama puts the last bit of his things into the suitcase.

“I thought you would have chosen to go with your dad.”

At this, Tsukiyama finally looks up from his suitcase and his ponderings, and fixes Hori and indignant look, “My father understands.”

He picks up his suitcase and walks towards the door. Hori follows him quietly outside into the night.

“I let him go once, Chie, many years ago. I can’t forgive myself if…”

Hori rolls her eyes and looks down at her camera to fiddle with the settings.

“And now you’ll follow him, instead of stopping him,” she says matter-of-factly.

Tsukiyama smiles sharply.

“It is a much kinder fate, I think.”

Hori takes a picture of his retreating form, disappearing in the night.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment here or an ask on tumblr, I love to hear from you guys. (:
> 
> interruptedpharos.tumblr.com


	3. 21-30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, here goes more fluff. AH, except infamous #24. That could be tagged as canon compliant angst.

#23

 

Kaneki takes his time kissing down Tsukiyama’s chest, whenever they have time. He savors every line and muscle, every scar. Even the faded ones from that time on the roof so many years ago, to those two ragged ones, on his sternum and his right shoulder, from another rooftop, not that long ago. They are all his creations, after all.

 

 

 

#24

 

Tsukiyama doesn’t cry when Kaneki tells him he had sex with Touka. He doesn’t lash out either. For some reason he can’t understand, he feels nothing.

They had been staying in an upturned subway car that was slowly but surely turning into the central command center in the underground of the 24th Ward. At first it was their personal quarters, but then they began to pile all their papers there. Once Tsukiyama found two computers, it became easier to find two more, and soon all the ghouls that had analyst traits amongst them were welcomed in. They had to move to another place to sleep, not that they minded losing the previous one; having a set place for data analysis and briefing boosted morale.

Only a week had passed since the day the Oggai had destroyed :re.

They had been so busy making the underground livable to those ghouls that had never been so secluded, so busy creating that command center, so busy rounding up their numbers… That Tsukiyama only noticed the ring hanging from leather tie around Kaneki’s neck until the night they had settled down in a made up shed, roughly a kilometer away from the command center. Kaneki had been bending over the beaten-up suitcase that harbored the few belongings Tsukiyama was able to salvage from headquarters when the ring slipped out from within his sweater.

The question was simple, “What is that, cher?”

The answer was simple, too, “Touka’s ring.”

Tsukiyama was boiling water over a small fire in the center of their shed, where the ceiling was open. He had procured some coffee a few days back, and although they could both only have half a cup, the taste was a small luxury. He had been stirring the water along some bits of dried liver that would give the coffee more flavor, when this exchange happens. Tsukiyama removes the pot from the fire, sets it aside.

“Touka’s?” Tsukiyama had never heard of it. “She.. gave it to you?”

Kaneki was sorting their belongings unto the desk they had salvaged from the trash heaps. It had two drawers, one small, one big. He had been folding their clothes into the latter. He didn’t look at Tsukiyama as he continued his task.

“Yes.”

Tsukiyama suddenly felt like something was out of place. But he was patient; specially when it had to do with Kaneki. He mixed in a bit of the dark powder in the water and liver and put it over the fire again. It had yet to boil.

Kaneki put the only pair of gloves he had left and Tsukiyama’s last and only silk scarf into the top drawer. The suit case was empty now, save for three old books. Tsukiyama made another simple question:

“Why?”

Kaneki had been putting the three books in a neat pile over the desk when he flinches, almost imperceptibly. Almost. Tsukiyama was watching him; nothing Kaneki did was lost to his gaze. The purple haired ghoul feels his stomach drop. He doesn’t say a thing. Kaneki stands up, slowly. He made an aborted move towards Tsukiyama, winds up leaning against the desk with both hands, head bowed.

“Because she doesn’t want me to go off, by myself.”

These words were whispered, although they could have been yelled at him for all he understood them. Tsukiyama stood up from his place near the fire pit. Kaneki’s sigh stops him in his tracks.

“We had sex.”

Tsukiyama sits back down.

Kaneki turns to see him. Regrets it, instantly. The contents of the pot are boiling. Tsukiyama stirs it with a wooden ladle, head bowed, shoulders hunched. He hears Kaneki leaving the desk. For some reason, he doesn’t want him any closer.

“I…” he begins. He closes his mouth again. What was there to say? His mind was unusually blank. He doesn’t feel anything. Or maybe…

“Shu,” Kaneki whispers, “Please…”

Kaneki was begging. Kaneki never begs.

“You must forgive me.”

Then he feels it. In the bottom of his self.

Everything.

“No..” He says, wetly, a knot in his throat. “I don’t.”

Tsukiyama puts the pot aside and stands up, eyes cast down. He doesn’t want to look at him. Every time he looks at Kaneki he is defenseless. He would forgive him everything. Leaving him behind, forgetting him, hurting him, killing his cousin, throwing him off a fucking building, having sex with someone else, keeping their fucking family heirloom around his neck. Tsukiyama would probably forgive him for killing him, if he ever needed to. Tsukiyama feels sick.

He leaves the hut and doesn’t return for a while.

 

 

 

#26

 

The betting pool made by Ayato and Nishiki says Banjo will totally cry at Tsukiyama’s and Kaneki’s wedding. 

It’s after the war: money is still short, a peace conference is being held soon, and still, no one wants to marry ghouls. They take over one of the many abandoned buildings in the 20th Ward and even when the entrance is but the bones of a modern style lobby, the banquet room is intact. They empty it out almost entirely, except for a few chairs and a shabby lectern that had been tucked away with the table dressings. There is a red carpet and a bunch of plastic flowers; Tsukiyama cries when he sees them anyways.

Hinami was always going to be the flower girl, no matter what age she was. Ayato got her a dress from God-knows-where, but Hinami has learned a thing or two about accepting happiness when you find it. Especially in the little things. Touka is the one who brings a picture of Hide in a wooden frame and sets it in the chair next to hers, right in the first line of witnesses. Beside her are Nishiki and Kimi, lovers lost and found, Hinami and Ayato, holding hands. Mirumo holds a handkerchief to his bespectacled eyes throughout the entire ceremony.  
  
It is probably the shortest marriage ceremony ever. Only no one present knows that, most never having been to one, and the minority only knowing from television or books, except for Tsukiyama, who attended one too many in the golden days of the Tsukiyamas.

In the end, someone finds Amon and tells him he must marry them. He tells them he is neither a priest nor a certified anything. In the end, he is the most certified at anything anyways. Akira declines the invitation, but sends Kaneki a tie, because Haise never knew how to dress decently without help.

Amon says a few words he remembers from long ago, from that one old book from his childhood, and some about the war, still fresh. He talks about happiness and commitment and bravery. The guests applaud before the vows, moved by the half ghouls’ words, out of time. Amon reads the common vows to both, and they both look into each other’s eyes when they say, “I do.”  
  
Takizawa, Kurona, Miza, and Naki were in charge of food and wine, and they didn’t disappoint; although no one asks how nor from who. 

Tsukiyama asks Chie to take pictures, but of the hundreds of pictures she’ll take, only twenty will be of actual people, ten of the actual guests, and five will be perfect. 

1) Tsukiyama kissing Kaneki’s temple, almost absentmindedly, hands intertwined while Kaneki seems to be speaking to someone to the side. In the background, Sante, Jiro and Ichimi are holding Takizawa over their heads.  
  
2) Touka and Ayato dancing together, laughing, on top of a table where Nishiki and Kimi were using someone’s lost jacket as an impromptu umbrella because some kind of liquid is being sprayed on them.  
  
3) Tsukiyama hugging Kaneki from behind, while Kaneki, clearly drunk, hugs Hide’s picture to his chest while babbling nonsense. In the background Kurona and Naki putting flowers into a passed out Banjo’s jean pockets, shirt pockets, hair, ears, everywhere.  
  
4) Hinami holding her not-so-flat stomach, other hand in Ayato’s while Kaneki, only half into the picture, is holding his hands to his chest, embarrassed.   
  
5) The only group picture where they didn’t coordinate: half arguing about places, the other half blinking awkwardly, and in the middle of all of them, Tsukiyama holding Kaneki’s waist and Kaneki holding Tsukiyama’s shoulders, sharing a kiss.

 

 

 

#27

 

When does one begin to fall in love with someone else? After years and years of knowing them? After a feverish dream? Is it possible to fall in love the first time you see them? To fall in love with someone you hated? Is the way you love everyone of of your significant others the same?

Kaneki thinks of all of these things as he hears Tsukiyama’s calm heartbeat at night when they go to sleep together, ear pressed against Tsukiyama’s chest.

He burrows closer into Tsukiyama’s side and thinks that poets write about love so much because its mystery is endless and their love for others boundless. That, or the one that loves them inspired in them to go searching for a reason for such overwhelming serendipity.

Kaneki is no poet, but Tsukiyama always inspires these fits of passion in him anyways.

 

 

 

#28

 

Kaneki is not a very patient person, but not in a conventional way. Usually impatient people are seen as rash and impulsive, yet impatience looks very differently on Kaneki. It’s doing things by himself instead of with others. It’s thinking in the short run instead of the long run. It might be thought through, but it’s only curing the symptoms not the disease. It’s feeling down because he can’t seem to understand something or when he didn’t know something important.

When Kaneki finally let’s himself return Tsukiyama’s feelings, impatience looks like them sharing the same quarters. It’s the quick glances he gives him when they are in a meeting. It’s fighting back-to-back against the enemy.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should probably add here that I am accepting prompts... /dashes away
> 
> interruptedpharos.tumblr.com


End file.
